The woes of being Uchiha Itachi
by primary colours123
Summary: Fugaku Uchiha wants grandchildren. So, what is the big deal? Ask Itachi. Non massacre. Almost CRACK. Ita-Saku.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto. Neither do I make any profit out of this fanfiction. This has been written for entertainment purposes only.

And if you don't believe the above, reading this fic should clear all confusion.

**Summary**: Fugaku Uchiha wants grandchildren. So, what is the big problem? Ask Itachi. Non massacre. Almost CRACK. Ita-Saku.

**A/N**: Almost all characters are OOC. Itachi especially. This will not be more than two or three chapters. It is just an experiment for a different kind of Itachi. Hope you like it.

**Background**: This takes place in the ideal Konoha. No Kyuubi attack, no Uchiha massacre or coup, no S-class criminal!Itachi, no brooding!Sasuke, and no alone!Naruto. Yondaime is still alive, though Tsunade has returned to Konoha. She is still Sakura's teacher.

**Thoughts or quotes are in (**_**italics**_**).**

XxXxXxXxXxXx

Fugaku Uchiha was not a happy man.

On the surface, no one could see the reason of his unhappiness.

After all, he was the head of one of the most (_"the most" according to Fugaku, hotly disputed by one Hiashi Hyuuga_) powerful clans of Konoha. He had one of the most beautiful women in Konoha as his wife. His eldest son was one of the most talented shinobi ever born in the fire country. His youngest, though not as legendary as his older brother in shinobi skills, definitely was one of the best looking males ever, holding the heart of practically every female (and many males), over the age of six. Even his nephew, though strangely un-Uchiha like, was a very talented shinobi.

In short, he had the dream life for any male over fifty.

And that was exactly his problem. He had a dream life for any male _**over fifty.**_

He was over fifty. Soon he would be sixty, and the clan would need a new heir. And his nephew would lead the clan to despair.

Now, legally, his eldest should've been the next in line for heir, followed by Sasuke. And it was a well known fact that Shisui did not want to be the heir.

(_"My little cousin has all my supports for the next clan leader." was one of his legendary statements. "Watching someone else's life being turned to hell, for a change, is my favourite hobby, also I want to know how much more can Itachi's life be screwed up." was the full version._)

Ah, but his obnox... er orthodox clan had a law. _**The heir must be married** _so that there is no dearth of future clan heads. Oh, how much Fugaku hated that law. (_Though many years ago, this was his favourite law; after all, it got him Mikoto._) Many would've asked what was the problem in that? He should get one of his sons married. But he knew better.

Neither of his sons was married. Neither did they have any chances of getting married. And poor Fugaku had no chances of having any Grandchildren.

(_"At least Namikaze won't have any grandchildren either" Fugaku sagely told Mikoto._)

Many people had wondered for a long time, why neither of the (_exceptionally_) good looking Uchihas was married. Then a few months ago, they realized that the younger _was_ engaged, to his teammate, one of his best friends, who was also a Namikaze, and a _male_.

Quick to offer their sympathies to the poor distraught father (and laughing at him behind his back), people stopped worrying about the younger Uchiha, and put their entire gossiping energies into the problem behind the elder's marital status, or the lack of it. He was definitely not gay; he was never seen in company of any particular male. Though the "definitely" quickly changed to "maybe" when people realized that they have not seen Itachi Uchiha in company of any particular person, male _or _female. Many then proceeded to realize that they have never seen Itachi at all.

_("He is a myth" reported a particularly gossipy and energetic granny of 90, nodding importantly._)

Oh, but Uchiha Itachi did exist, genuinely intelligent, genuinely talented, genuinely handsome, and genuinely socially retarded. He had shown such high levels of talent from such young age, that the clan had insisted on teaching him to the full extents of his capacities as soon as possible, leaving little time for anything else. The result was that by 10, Itachi could face Yondaime himself in the battlefield and last for a whole minute, but could not face a girl and last a full second.

("_I told you so much training would turn him into a pansy" an enraged Mikoto scolded her husband._

"_Oh, anyone facing him on battlefield cannot seriously say that."_

"_Yeah, but anyone off it, most definitely. Especially if he tries to hide behind his mother's kimono."_

"_Come on Mikoto, he is just shy. Many children do that."_

"_At the age of 24?_")

Sitting in the most famous tea shop of Konoha, Fugaku could not decide where he went wrong with Itachi. Was it when he told him that being with other children will decrease his mental levels? **Or** when Itachi had asked him about birds and bees and he had promptly fainted? Or when he told his son that females were just defective males, deficient in certain body parts? **Or** when he told him that Icha Icha Paradise were books on how to achieve the best afterlife, which he should not be worried about and focus on staying alive instead? **Or** when… No, no, no. He could not have been at fault, could he?

Oh who was he kidding? Obviously, none of it was his fault. But now it was all on his able shoulders to correct it. Fugaku's sharingan blazed with determination. He will save his son and get the much deserved grandchildren, completely showing the Namikaze and the Hyuuga.

Speaking of the Hyuuga, how come his nephew ("_What was his name again? Naggy? Lazy? Um.. Neji? Naah._") did not turn out to be gay? He was definitely more beauti… um… handso… er… Fugaku was in a dilemma, he could not call his own son beautiful or his rival's son handsome, so after much internal debate he gave up on that thought entirely.

It was no use thinking of what was done. At least Sasuke had scored a life partner ("_Or is it the blond boy who scored my son?_"), that could not be said about Itachi. Certainly because he had the good sense to keep Sasuke away from the elders.

(_"Or I had the good sense to keep him away from you." Mikoto's response to the above statement._)

To his great embarrassment, Fugaku clearly remembered what had happened the last time he had arranged a marriage for Itachi. Such a beautiful girl. Such a beautiful, charming, Uchiha girl. Such a beautiful, charming, HORNY, Uchiha girl.

Fugaku kept that time at the top of his humiliating list when he had been called in the dead of the night for an emergency clan meeting. He had rushed there in his sleeping dress ("_Uchiha's don't wear such silly things as Pajamas." One of the first social lesson from Fugaku to Itachi_.), only to find a terrified 15 year old Itachi and a flustered 16 year old Kasumi, with a bunch of elders who looked like they wanted to be anywhere but there. He later was informed that Itachi had mistaken Kasumi's intentions as an attack of a different kind when she pounced on him late at night.

("_Of_ _course, she thought I would put my guard down, as I'll be able to see that she had no weapons on her person, if she is naked._" _Itachi's exact wordings on the complaint report._)

Kasumi had called the engagement off, but to keep the pride of the head of the clan intact, overnight a new law was passed, stating that Uchihas weren't allowed to marry within the clan, as it leads to genetic imperfections.

(_" Mikoto and I both are Uchihas, and looking at what we have for sons, sometimes I do wonder if the theory isn't true." Fugaku's words to his uncle Madara._)

No, no, he'll have to forget the past if he really wanted grandchildren. He will find a girl for Itachi. After all, Itachi had been taught the ways of the world after the Kasumi incidence. Though now he could not look at a girl without turning red. **But** all that would change with the right girl. With that thought in mind, Fugaku began his brainstorming.

(_"Twenty four hours of nonstop Icha Icha movies does not constitute sex education, Fugaku." Mikoto, on Fugaku's teaching methods._)

_The Inuzuka girl? _She was the one nearest to Itachi in age, but she was also the only female in the entire fire country, ready to marry his nephew, so she was out. _The Hyuuga heiress?_ Certainly not, for one, she was reportedly involved with the Aburame heir, and second, he doubted that even if she and Itachi got married, he would ever get his grandchildren, between his and her faintings. _The Yamanaka kid?_ She would probably terrify Itachi, not to mention her impending wedding with the Akimichi heir. _Anko?_ Fugaku shuddered. Now he knew he was getting desperate.

He was sure he was missing someone, but whom?

He caught a flash of pink, a stick of cotton candy held by some child, and the missing person reappeared in his mind. Fugaku smirked. Heh, of course_, the Haruno child._ Tsunade's apprentice, formidable kunoichi, and gentle or harsh, as and when required. Sasuke's teammate. And, most importantly, **unattached**, most probably because three crazy males (one of them being his own son), and two crazy females, always sent any possible suitor out of the way. The clan loved her, just like they loved everything powerful, and she had much more brains than Kasumi. It was perfect. Though she was almost six years younger, she could teach Itachi a few things in social skills, especially how not to be deterred by public embarrassments, as she was pretty experienced in that herself. Yes! He has found his daughter in law.

The thoughts of pink hair grandsons did give him second thoughts, but he knew it was either her or no one. Now the only little problem was the fact that they did not even know each other. Oh well, he is Fugaku Uchiha, he will figure something out.

(_"Beggars can't be choosers" Fugaku, on his final choice._)

With that wonderful thought in his mind, Fugaku started walking back to the Uchiha compound.

**A/N: Thank you for reading. All suggestions and comments will be welcome. Also, I've tried to keep the grammatical and spelling errors to the minimum, but if you find any, please be kind enough to point them out in your reviews. I shall try to put the next chapter up as soon as possible.**

**Take care.**


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer**: I do not own Naruto. Neither do I make any profit out of this fanfiction. This has been written for entertainment purposes only.

And if you don't believe the above, reading this fic should clear all confusion.

**Summary**: Fugaku Uchiha wants grandchildren. So, what is the big problem? Ask Itachi. Non massacre. Almost CRACK. Ita-Saku.

**A/N**: Almost all characters are OOC. Itachi especially. It's just an experiment for a different kind of Itachi.

**Thoughts or quotes are in (_italics_).**

XxXxXxXxXxXx

Fugaku Uchiha was a very happy man.

He had the best wife in the world, AND the best sons in the world. One of them was almost a legend in shinobi circles and the other was a legend in the Uchiha social circle, after all, he was going to get the legendary Yondaime's son into his clan as the Daughte… er Son in law. He has just found his REAL Daughter in law, and in a few months, she will be giving him his grandchildren.

**Now** the only thing left was to let his son know that he was getting married.

But before that, he had to do the final confirmatory test, with the finest sake.

Fugaku knew this was fast turning out to be his best plan till now (even if he said so himself). Tsunade even called him an angel. (_Like any male, he felt very smug about getting a compliment from Tsunade, __**at least**__ until she told him that she could even see the wings._) Now he just had to, with his brilliant tact, steer the conversation to the direction of his choice.

(_"Doesn't Jiraiya sama make passes at people who are__** actually**__ young, like your apprentice?"_)

To Fugaku's great fortune, alcohol destroys brain cells, and consequently the ability to comprehend indirect insults.

So after four hours of a listening to a happy Tsunade talk about** the time** when Sakura ran after a peeping Jiraiya only to realize halfway across Konoha that she forgot to put her towel on, and kept threatening all the snickering passersby that it was the latest fashion, **to the time** when she blurted out that the round marks on the important medical scrolls were sake bottle stains when Tsunade had been trying to pass them as super secret seals of the head of medical corps, **to the time** when Sakura decided that it would be very funny to tell a Hyuuga Neji recovering from appendicectomy that his sex change operation went very well … Fugaku had reached a conclusion.

The girl was rude, powerful, acted before thinking and had a questionable sense of humor. In other words, **she was a born Uchiha**. Now the only thing left was to make it official.

(_"I see, they are continuing their traditions. 'Strong and Brainless' seems to be their motto." Hiashi Hyuuga, after knowing about Fugaku's future daughter __**and**__ son in law._)

He had barely been able to suppress his urge to tap dance all the way back to the compound. And he was trying to hide his snickering so hard that the combination of both made him look like he was desperately trying to find a loo.

(_"Are you up to no good, again, Fugaku?"_

"_Dang! How does she know it every time?"_)

The whole news was taken very well by everyone. He had taken Itachi and Mikoto out to the ramen shop he knew Sakura would be visiting. Though both of them had not been very happy about sneaking around the Ichiraku Ramen Bar (_"Hiding behind trash cans in broad daylight is not surveillance, Fugaku."_), he must say they were pleasantly surprised by his brilliant choice. Itachi had promptly turned red after hearing _wife_ and _Itachi_ in the same sentence, and was seen inching towards his mother, when he seemed to have realized that he had outgrown his mother by about a foot some 8 years ago.

(_"Sh… she looks like hanami dango!" first words blurted by Itachi after beholding Sakura._)

Now, Fugaku was a **very smart** happy man. He knew what happened with the last arranged marriage. So, this time, he would make sure that the girl knew what she was getting into, before the engagement. This time, he will send Itachi with the proposal.

First mission Fugaku sent Itachi on was to gather information. As it involved using nin sneaking skills, naturally he excelled at it, and consequently, twenty four hours later Fugaku had so much information on Sakura that he doubted that even Sakura knew half of them. But by the number of people who tried to woo Sakura, one thing was obvious, she would not recognize seduction if Itachi walked in front of her with _"I'm trying to seduce you"_ written on his forehead, so that method was obviously out.

(_"Ahahahahahahahaha!" Sasuke's response to the news of his brother's seduction plans."_)

And since Sasuke and Mikoto were had refused to help, and Shisui was out of question, he and Itachi were on their own. Ah, now, Fugaku knew was the time to make use of all his manly charms (and all the great knowledge passed by Jiraiya sama to the world), to teach his son to woo his future wife.

(_"Between Fugaku's attempts at wooing Mikoto and Jiraiya's flourishing love life, our clan is doomed." An Elder Uchiha complained to her husband._)

Now, Fugaku knew they could not use the method he used on Mikoto all those years ago due to… um.. certain reasons. So it was time to try out new Ideas.

(_"Let Itachi do it his own way, after all he will be the one she'll be marrying." Mikoto coaxed her husband._

" _Dear, you know he would need help in this sort of thing."_

"_From you?" Mikoto snorted. "Just like how you charmed me?"_

"_How exactly did he do it mom? He has been going on for years about how he rescued you from goons back in the Academy, and you visited him in the hospital later to confess your love."_

_Mikoto eyed Fugaku. "Oh really Fugaku?"_

"_Er, Sasuke, I just saw the Hyuuga girl hitting on the poor Namikaze in the markets. Looks like he needs rescuing."_)

So, after much debates, reference and cross references, both of them had decided on various steps on how to approach Sakura Haruno. Now all depended on Itachi Uchiha.

(_"Go and ensnare your woman with your wild charms Itachi!" Fugaku, trying to be heard over Shisui's snickering._)

Itachi Uchiha had no idea whether to be happy or not.

His father had arranged a marriage for him (again), at least this time the girl was clothed. And beautiful, and powerful, who could kill him with one punch, and heal with the same hands. Agreed she was not all there in the top floor but he could not say he was very normal himself. Oh, he sounded like some sap in love, in one of the Icha Icha plots. But to make the Icha Icha fantasies a reality, he will have to get her to agree to marry him. (_"Would he have to, God forbid, seduce her?"_) No, no, no no noooo. Why him? Couldn't his father have arranged it through proper channels?

Did he not know what happened on Itachi's last seduction mission?

Er.. no! He did not. Itachi had made sure that nobody did.

Itachi himself, remembered his last (and only) seduction mission too well. He was seventeen, and very very nervous. The mission itself was simple. Go to the shinobi bar, wait for the target, when she comes near knock her off without other shinobi getting suspicious, and the other members of the team, posing as medical fraternity would come and take her away. Why was seduction needed for doing that was beyond Itachi's understanding, but he had a sneaky suspicion that the Yondaime was urged by the head of the Uchiha clan himself, to allow him _"to finally know the joys of being a man"_ (_ Fugaku's_ _own words_).

("_Don't do anything, just let her pounce. She might not if you open your mouth. Surprisingly, that happens with me every time. I wonder why?" Quoted from "the art of seduction for Uchihas and dummies" by Uchiha Shisui._)

**The mission had been an immense success**.

The other members of the team had been very pleasantly surprised with Itachi's skills, as despite the target having been knocked out in front of a crowd, nobody had been suspicious in the least.

What Itachi had not allowed anyone to know was that the Target had been a bit too forward, and while she had been trying to sit in his lap, he had fainted, in full public view, hitting her on the head. People had been laughing too hard to be suspicious.

(_"In order to survive we all cling to what we know and understand." Itachi great knowledge on human psychology, " and I don't understand women." explaining why the survival of their clan was in perils._)

**But now, he could not fail.**

Based on Sakura's crushing history, on her teammate, Fugaku had devised a perfect plan. **It was necessary to make good first impressions**. So next day, early in the morning, Itachi found himself in clothes stolen from Sasuke's closets. And thus, he set off for the "introduction" with the mantra of _"Bond. James Bond." _Going on in his head. By the end of the day, Itachi finally reached Sakura after fighting off two stray Akatsuki, four stray dogs, hundreds of snickering civilians, and a very grouchy Sasuke.

(_"I'm Uchiha. U.. U.. Uchiha Itachi."_)

Her reaction was unexpected. Lying face first near Uchiha compound, our budding James Bond decided that this was one more thing Fugaku will never know.

(_"You should know Naruto, even if you come in henge as Itachi Uchiha, I will not join you two in a threesome." Sakura punched the living daylights out of Itachi._)

Apart from that, Itachi realized that an orange jumpsuit was more trouble than it's worth.

He spent the next week having the credit for his delicious "from your secret admirer" food stolen by the Hyuuga, his list of pick up lines stolen by a random fodder nin (though he later rejoiced about that when he remembered the outcome he faced.), and his underwear stolen by some random fangirl who mistook him for Sasuke (though **that** in no way was related to his quest).

(_"I want to wake up with you next to me."_

_The next thing the poor fodder nin remembered was waking up in a white bed **with** Sakura next to him, healing his broken jaw._)

By now Itachi knew that desperate times called for desperate measures and "Subtle" was always unnoticeable for Sakura. So he finally decided to do what he had spied two of Sakura's friends doing. The wild looking boy had grabbed the blond girl, pushed her to the wall and kissed her. The girl had turned redder than Itachi and Itachi had been too mortified to try stalking any further.

So if this was how true men behaved, he would do it.

Itachi gathering all the courage, reached Sakura, with a perfect shinobi maneuver trapped her in between the wall and his body, and amazingly, kissed her without fainting. (_Uhh.. He didn't know kissing was supposed to be this painful! No wonder he heard screams from his brother's room whenever his boyfriend visited._)But why did the pain radiate to the groin?

(_"Ouch, my jewels." And "thud." Sounds that Itachi would've heard had he continued spying on Ino and Kiba._)

Thus, when Itachi returned to the compound with a distinct limp, Fugaku finally decided that it was time to swallow his pride and ask for help from his enemy. After all, if the negotiations went well, then he will be his relative. Taking a deep breath, Fugaku went towards the Hokage towers, to Minato Namikaze, to reopen an old argument. But he won't go down that easily. No! Fugaku Uchiha, the head of Uchiha clan would go down fighting.

(_"Why are my 'Fugaku is doing something stupid again' senses tingling?"_)

Minato had clearly not been expecting this. He and Fugaku had been on the deadlock on this topic for months. He could even remember the prior conversations.

(_"Why should it be anything else? Mine's bigger.. er… older." Shouted Fugaku._

"_As you should know Fugaku, these things don't matter in the real world." Retorted Minato._

"_Are you wilted oldies still fighting over that?" Kushina shouted, overhearing the conversation from the next room._)

But now for the first time, he had the upper hand. He knew being a Casanova genius would come in handy some day. He knew one day he will win and his son will finally be the groom, and not the bride. Fugaku had used all stupid logics of his son being older, so that Sasuke would be the groom, after the priest insisted that he will marry the boys off, but one of them has to take the wows of the Bride.

(_"Don't forget Sasuke's wedding trousseau."_ )

(_"Will you still say that it's just for dramatic angst that I say father loves Itachi more?" Sasuke asked Mikoto, after learning about Fugaku's deal with the Yondaime._)

Next day, Minato Namikaze had Itachi Uchiha with his entire family up at the Hokage house. He looked at the boy. How could someone as talented as him be so dense in other aspects of life? Ah, he knew the answer, when anything is wrong, **Blame The Uchiha**. It had worked many times for him in the council meetings, but here for once, the blame was right.

(_"You know the dear girl had a crush on my son. What did you deduce from it?"_

"_That she has a bad taste in men?" Itachi innocently asked while Sasuke seethed in the background._

"_Er… that too, but it mainly shows that she likes powerful Idiots. So don't you see… you are perfect for her. Don't try to be anyone else in front of her. Just be yourself."_

_Itachi had no idea whether to feel grateful or insulted._)

Next day, Itachi went in search of Sakura and found her near Ichiraku with her team. By now Sasuke had told everyone about the supposed match, and they unanimously agreed that Itachi was the only one perfect for Sakura. (_"At least then we won't have to worry about Sakura, it'll be Itachi everyone'll be worried about." Ino said while casting her vote in Itachi's favor._)

After much stuttering, blushing and fainting, Itachi managed to convey to Sakura that he had fallen in love with her at first sight, and that he just did not know how to approach, so after making futile attempts for so long, he was there. And will she give him a chance for knowing her? Sakura was ecstatic beyond belief! Here was such a shy, stuttering prodigy, and he was so perfect, and did he not look cute while blushing, and could he not see that they had already been on a long date since they first met? (_"We met, ate, kissed, got hurt, apologized and made up. It is perfect."_)

Last heard, Sakura and Itachi were involved and just a few weeks later, Sakura had popped the question.

(_"The Namikaze didn't do anything. I could've **so** given him that advice myself." A happily sad Fugaku's musings were cut short by the sudden loud chirping of a thousand birds behind him._

"_Are you saying Father that you sold off my dignity for nothing?"_)

**Epilogue-let (since it is too small to be a real epilogue):**

**(Six months later: few months after both Sasuke's and Itachi's marriage, at a social gathering of Namikaze and Uchiha families.)**

Fugaku had noted quite a few things with his keen senses. Namikaze was looking unusually happy. And Sasuke was looking distinctly ill and uneasy. In fact, he was not even looking at Fugaku in the eyes. What had these people done to his precious, beautiful, grouchy baby? He was looking tired, paler and… fatter? Fugaku's eyebrows twitched. Oh, the Namikaze better had a good reply ready.

Turned out the reply was good. **Too good.**

(_"Oh, you did not get the good news? Our children are going to be parents?_

"_Ho…ow?" Fugaku would've dropped the glass in his hands with joy, had his brains not reminded him in time that it was Sasuke and Naruto who were being talked about._

"_Heh. Have you ever heard of 'Sexy no Jutsu', Fugaku?"_)

The glass dropped.

**Real Epilogue-let (since Fugaku deserves a 'better' happy ending.)**

**(Overheard at the Uchiha compound, between the head of the clan and his Daughter in law.)**

"_Yes father, we are going to be parents."_

A pause.

"_No Father, Itachi is NOT carrying the child."_

**A/N: Thanks to everyone for your time. All comments and suggestion are welcome. I've tried to keep the spelling and grammatical errors to the minimum, but if you find any, please be kind enough to point out in your reviews.**

**Many thanks to everyone who has commented on this story.**

**Take care.**


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